so i was reading random blogs, just for fun

and came across a thinspo blog

and just for the heck of it, read an entry for once instead of skipping over it

and as many times as i've been trained to fight eating disorders
to embrace who i am, imperfect, but healthy

but then i see those photos. and her statement that she likes looking good, no matter what she puts on

that would be nice. dressing carefully to flatter is so....depressing.
being able to look good in an t-shirt and shorts, without having to worry about if the shorts fit, how short can be they be to flatter, or if they're longer, if they're flattering

skinny jeans. to be able to wear them w/out muffin top yet still be tight enough to look good

defined hip bones. right now, you can't even see them.

being able to be confident that my guy will be able to pick me up with no problem
no strain

the statement "nothing tastes as good as thin feels"
another statement "to be the skinny one in photos, not the fat one"

i've always been the fat one in photos. maybe it's time for a change

truthfully? yes, i do want to be the one
that turns heads when i walk down hall, the street, the aisle.
the one that always looks good no matter if walking, or sitting, or in a bikini
it doesn't matter what position i'm in.

the one where people will say "i want to look like her"

the one where if i walk into a club, or onto the beach, i won't feel fat. or unattractive.

i want that self-confidence
but to be that thin?
i would have to lose more than 30% of my current body weight

i wonder how fast I can do that, and how much I can actually keep off

i'm curvy. or at least that's how i see it. i have boobs, I have a butt. I have a definable waist.
I do have the curve out at the chest, curve in at the waist, curve out at the hips. I have a shape.
now...if only that was thinner, horizontally.
I don't think i'm overweight
I am on the higher side of the BMI scale, but still in the normal range
I work out. I can run a few miles w/out too much problem
I can do weights w/out a problem
I can lift a lot more than I look like I can lift
I do have muscle

but I would rather be thin


and this is so sad. I've been trained, taken classes
throughout high school and college
to have a positive body image
to just be healthy and whatever body type I am at that is a healthy weight,
that is healthy for me
for my bones
for my body type
should be good enough

but i would rather. be. thin.
I would rather look good, in my eyes
and in the eyes of the rest of the general population

that just shows...no matter how much of a role model I have tried to be.
no matter how much I tried to change my own opinion of my body
I'm still not satisfied
despite knowing i'm fairly healthy
and if I just keep excercising the extra belly fat will melt off

i would still rather be thinner. I would rather have smaller calves
less muscle, i want my cheekbones to stand out.
have defined bones, be able to see my ribs if i inhale mid-forcefully, be able to see my hips

this is rather unhealthy...I will push it back...try get get that healthy image back in my head
but at the same time...i can't help but think it would be nice
to be able to fit into most things. to look good, no matter what, because i don't have to worry about this extra layer of fat.
to always look skinny
if only I was able to do that and be healthy. my body? has always been curvy, a little chunky, since I was small.

i need to find a way not to stress too much

but sometimes i like being a little bit stressed

it's motivation to do something, ya know?
I just need to strike a balance between being stressed
and being a little too stressed.

actually, i wouldn't call it being stressed

i would call it actually being aware of what's coming up
in class, when tests and projects are due.
when i need to get things done, etc.

so i guess i wouldn't call it being stressed a little is good.
i guess i would call it knowing when things are coming up and being aware of my life.

but sometimes i get a little obsessive about things
i keep m=nagging myself
and others

and once i nag myself too much, it turns into stress.

so i guess i need to stop nagging myself then
i dunno.
i'll try.

i keep most of it inside
most of the deep things
most of the things that matter most

what i feel for you
for him
for you
for her
for everyone around me

it's hidden there, deep,
I care, sometimes too much
and it hurts so much that i'd rather keep it hidden inside, where it can only hurt me,
than for the hurt to show on the surface and possibly hurt someone else who would see it

i don't want to burden the world with my worries and my troubles.
i share them with only you, and then only some of them.
it does help, to talk them over with you.
i don't want, or need you to solve my problems. (i love it when you help with some of them)
but mostly...it's the way you'll listen and talk to me that make it all better
the problem may still be there
but i know there is someone who knows
someone who has listened, and someone who will want the best
outcome for me, not only b/c it benefits me, but it'll benefit you as well.

so if i seem shallow, if i seem frivolous on the surface
even when dealing with problems
if it seems like i'm putting too much emphasis on small, transient problems...
i'm transferring angst and anger from my larger problems into these problems

i'm expressing the stress and fear over my larger problems into my smaller ones...
it's like i can only keep back the flood so much, some of it has to be expressed.
it'll seem like...i overreact to the small things, and i'm expressionless towards those things that really matter

but i'm just..internalizing, storing it until I can think it over, in the safety of my own home
of my own head, when i'm alone
and you all know...I hold a certain someone in that home with me
and that certain someone. you, you know...so much about me

and you help me so much when you listen to all my petty and big troubles and worries
it worries me...when you don't tell me things
i know you'll tell me in your own good time, but when will that be? and will it be in time for me to help you?

i know you're also in the habit of internalizing everything.
you're more out of your shell with me, and i love that about you.
it makes me feel like you trust me.

but there are certain things...that i wish you would just tell me straight off
i may be upset initially
but isn't that better than telling me later?
and you never know what i'll be upset by...
you were so surprised when i wasn't upset by that thing you were doing online education for.
that happens to everyone, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

but it was my fault, back in november, wasn't it?
because you took a week off to come see me?
don't be afraid to disappoint me if it's for your good. you didn't have to come see me
that particular weekend.
what was important was that i got the chance to see you

do you trust me?
so, i have a bit of a big mouth, I admit it.
but do you really think that i'm going to tell everyone your personal business, if it doesn't involve me?
if I can explain it some other way w/out lying, would i tell people?
i don't think so.
i love you too much to do that to do anything that I think would hurt you

it shouldn't, but it does hurt me...that you don't trust me enough to tell me these things until
it's too late for me to try to help you
i would've tried to help you back in november.
my quarter was just starting out, i'd just finished finals

i do have a little bit of a network that i've tried to grow
(it'd be bigger if i wasn't such a weird person (usually i like to think unique, and i don't want to lie about myself))
it's true, i'm a bit of an oddball, i'm not like other people, and i refuse to lose that.
it doesn't harm others, so why would i lose it?

why...won't you let me help you, as you've helped me?
you've been there for me, when i'm stressing about applications, when i'm trying to figure out transportation on the east coast, buying plane tickets to go all the way across the country, leaving you and everyone i know behind
to go to a strange new state, to get more education, so I can return to you and build a life together.

do i help you another way?
do i need to be there to help you?
i really don't know how I could be there with you to help you right now..
i'm trying to get my PharmD.
i hope with that degree, with 4 more years of hard work and dedication and late nights spent studying for that one extra point, to achieve the "A"
I hope that I can build a better life with you
I hope that I can help my family. I hope to return with something I've accomplished
that i've genuinely worked my butt off for.

I'm comparing photos of myself at the end of high school...and progressing throughout college, to now.
i've...to put it nicely, matured a lot
i'm no longer a fresh-faced young, innocent thing
full of ideals about how I should enter college and work to achieve my goals
I know what it takes to get the A, I know what it takes to get the job done
and it's not pretty sometimes
I've seen death and life in the same room, and it's not pretty
I've seen people turn to drugs, addictions, and other things to cope,
I've seen myself fall to the depths of depression, the likes of which many people will never see me sink to.
i fall into the shadows in private, on the inside, while the outside shines ever more brightly to hide what's within

I crawled, every inch of the way, out of the hole that i keep sliding backwards into
even now, i'm still at the brink of that hole, I can see the light, but it'll be more hard work until I get out of it

I've aged, knowing life to be what it is.
all I want is to help you. and it hurts that you don't trust, even me, enough to confide
in me what's going on in your life
okay, it's not necessary that I know what you wore today, what did you eat
did you brush your teeth, your hair, etc

but you've told me, time and time again, that you'll tell me the big things.
i find that hard to believe. now that I find out that you've kept things from me.
also...you hate it when I hint at things, don't you?
unless i'm mistaken, didn't you do the same thing to me this past 1.5 months?
you've hinted that you didn't have work that "day"
it was just a hiatus
you didn't know what was going on

i believe that you either really didn't know what was going on, or that you didn't want to face it.

like all my elders say.
face it. deal with it. grow up. think of the worst case scenario, don't think of the best thing.
or if you do think of the best thing, since that's what you're working towards, prepare like it's for the worst thing

what if the next day things went bad, what would you do?
what are your contingency plans?
i'll be the first to admit, I don't always follow this. I'm too used to my parents being my safety net
i'm too used to having family and friends to fall back on, that I know will take me in, for at least a few months while I recuperate and prepare
i'm too used to relying on you to help stable me emotionally so that I can take everything the world
wants to throw at me

i want to know...do I help you that way as well?
or are you still relying on yourself because I seem like such a little girl
unwise in the ways of the world?

please believe me when i say, that I know what the world is.
I've nearly been assaulted, walking by myself in the streets of LA in the early morning
I've had to defend myself, to dodge from people whom I thought were friends
but only wanted me for my body. and while i'm not ugly, i'm not the best prize either.
i've had people tell me the wrong answer, teach the wrong things because they wanted the better grade.
I've had whom I thought were close friends undercut me.
i would like to be open and honest completely, full disclosure, with everyone, but the world has taught me that I can't. I can only trust those few
those of us who have grown up together. those of us who have always been truthful with each other.

i understand what it is to grow up, at least some of the way
i know what i would do if i lost part of my world, because as long as I have you
I can take on the world

do you rely on me the same way?
I hope you do.

i guess all I wanted to say in this essay of a post.
is that I'm here for you
i'm one of your resources
i'd like to be one of the stable pillars of your existence
please...use me.
I'm here for you, and I only have your best interests at heart
your success is mine, your loss is mine as well.

i'm yours.